I got up this morning, expecting a completely easy day, when the unimaginable happened. Now I understand that what I consider as ‘unimaginable’ must be pretty epic, because I have this imagination that sucked in some explorer team once, and I never heard back from them again… but I digress. Apologies!
A time portal opened up and sucked me far, far into the future. Seriously. I know a temporal displacement when I see one, and that sucker made a direct jump at me. Well, I arrived at my destination, and I met two people who want to discuss the fate of the Earth with me. Good thing I had my camera with me!
I of course, asked why me? I’m just some overweight, Science Fiction author from the twenty-first century! They said I actually saved the galaxy before, and around a dozen planets, but that will be in another five years from when they grabbed me. I nearly panicked. They believed their hyperbole!
Anyways, I went ahead and asked what the problem was, and how in the world can a guy with no skills or physical powers save anyone, let alone Earth. Well, you can color me surprised. They whipped out a couple of gadgets we all know and use even today. They warned me that they will turn people into ‘gadget zombies’ by 2017, who will walk around with blue glowing faces. They will afflict other people with free gadgets, and they will become a gadget zombie too!
Since I was actually standing in the future and not a victim to one of my own novels after licking an old LSD stamp by accident, I decided to help them. I asked what, “What should I do?”
They told me that I must write a series of novels starting with Defenders of Valinthia. That the trilogy will get people to laugh so hard, they’ll start breaking the gadget zombie infection, as it is easy dispelled by a good laugh or two.
I told them, and quite seriously, that I had already written the darned Valinthia Trilogy, and it’s on the internet for all kinds of gadgets to access! That it’s time to go back to the drawing board!
They applauded me, saying that I saved the Earth, and they were right, I was the guy for the job. Then they took me literally! They electronically conjured a drawing board in a giant holographic demonstration, changed clothes with the snap of their digitally sparking fingers, and that is when I decided to get the hell out of there!
While they were starting to draw something, I went to the table and called up their time portal controls. I set it, and don’t ask me how I knew what to do, because I didn’t, and I jumped into the temporal disturbance.
Now I said that I didn’t know how to use future technology. I was easily six or seven hundred years ahead. Because of my haste, I typed in the wrong digits, and viola, I ended up in some tavern in the distant past!
As you can see from my camera that I used with a touch of stealth by pretending it was a pocket tin of cigarettes that I ran out of, they weren’t too happy to see me. They said something about my clothes and accent being funny, and they didn’t have any mead yet, which means they have no use for funny.
Before they could run me through, I asked if they wanted me to buy them some mead. Well, that calmed a couple of them down, but the big guy didn’t trust my word for anything!
I got another picture off with him making a point about some huge fat guy with funny stuff not paying for mead, so I reached into my pocket and pulled out a handful of coins. Oops! They don’t take my paper money in that century, where ever it was!
They said the silver and copper coins looked like quality stuff, so I used it to buy all three some mead. They asked why I didn’t want any, and I told them I was allergic to it. The guy with the hat got in my face, and told me that was a mighty big word coming out of the mouth of some weird man who popped out of nowhere.
Even after the free drinks, I didn’t know how I was going to get out of this one. I was a goner. Going to be run through, and probably buried in some forgotten grave.
It’s a good thing the people from the future started looking for me, knowing I goofed up on the time settings. So I vanished and popped back into the future! I groaned because I wanted to go home… but it was the same woman. But different clothes and the future tech was different too. The man was gone, and she didn’t know who I was talking about. Because I bought three ruffians in the distant past some beer with twenty-first century coins, I was responsible for a robot invasion, because all the future robots didn’t get free quarts of oil anymore. I altered the future, and she was pouring the proof at me through her holographic drawing board.
So I was charged with stopping the robot invasion and to save Earth yet again. Man, I was getting hungry too! I mentioned it, she looked right at my big gut and told me I won’t starve. The nerve! But I understood her plight. Robots were kicking the human’s butts and I needed to undo the damage.
She told me the best way to fix it was to write another trilogy starting with Darya Rising, with the final book ending with battle droids being used to fool a future bad guy into thinking a fleet of battleships was attacking, and he gets killed by a heroic anti-hero. That would influence future designers away from using androids… but I told her I already wrote that series! She gave a big sigh, took a look into the future one more time to see what became of the evil robots, and it worked. My novels became popular enough for folks to write in proper safe-guards, and the future evil robots were far too lost to do anything to invade and take over Earth.
The future girl, who actually broke down and told me she was my future grand-daughter by 32 generations, gave me a quick hug and asked me if I wanted anything before being sent back to my original time.
I said I want the future’s weight loss pill that cured obesity. Done and swallowed. Then I wanted a digital holographic drawing board of my own. She warned me to hide it and finally destroy it after I start saving the Earth again in my own near future, or I’ll muck up the time stream again.
So I agreed. Now I am back home, uploading all the pictures I took on my journey, and another one of me looking into my fancy new toy, contemplating all of the new books I am going to write starting the day after tomorrow.
Yeah, at least my hair is still curly! Playing with my future holographic drawing board starting the day after tomorrow will be kind of cool! Why day after tomorrow, which is today by now?
It’s my 26th Wedding Anniversary. Plus, it’s a fine day to win an award, not just for saving the Earth, but for tickling you pink with my adventures. In case you don’t know, only one thing in my entire post is 100% true. Now let’s see who can guess it correctly!