Vegan as in 100% vegetarian. Yes, for health reasons I decided to adopt and stick with a Vegan lifestyle. A true one at that, which meant no dairy products as much as no meat. Everything I was to consume would be grown from the ground only. Nothing processed, no chemical-pretend-foods, not even processed sugar or salt. If I was to use sweetener, it would be honey. You know, bug vomit. We call it honey so it’s edible, but I’m a huge believer in truth. A bee, which is an insect, eats pollen and vomits it back up.
That’s not the most disturbing thing about going Vegan. Far from it.
Between day five or six of my new healthy foods, something starting happening to excess. I’m sorry that I have to go there, because if I’m writing Darya Rising or not, this seemingly TMI (Too Much Information) moment must be revealed to the world for those who might want to consider going Vegan too. Nobody warned me, no literature or anything, told me this would happen. In fact, I think I need to change my name, adopt something from ancient Rome and use it, so people will understand that I have no choice but to accept my new lifestyle… and the consequences. If I was to change my name, I would call myself Fartus Maximus.
Calling this flatulence would be wrong. It’s more like flatuegeddon. I’ve become a living resource of Natural Gas. It’s loud, long-lived and traumatizing to other mortals who are standing within twenty feet of me.
My house has natural gas for the hot water tank, and the heater. If I owned NASA underwear that had the two hoses coming out of the back-end, I could hook it up and save myself some serious money. If you think I’m making that up, or exaggerating, consider this: I bent over yesterday to pick up a towel I dropped on the hallway floor. The ass gas attack from that motion set off the gas detector, and I needed to push the reset button to get it to stop.
It doesn’t hurt. In fact, it feels good to rip out the fabric of space and time right behind my body. I think the only thing that has saved my life so far, is the fact that nobody in my house smokes. An open flame anywhere would be a disaster right about now.
I don’t know how long this new super-power is going to last. It’s also contradicting to my daily philosophy for life. I used to always say, “Why fart and waste it when you can belch and taste it?” Now I’m going to need a new catch phrase, which I will have to invent sooner rather than later.